Put the coffee down
Coffee is for closers
Put the coffee down
Coffee is for closers
You think I'm fucking with you?
I am not fucking with you
You can't close your leads
You can't close shit
You can't close your leads
You can't close shit
You are shit
Hit the bricks, pal
(CHORUS)
ABC
Always be closing
ABC
Always be closing
A Always
B Be
C Closing
(BRIDGE)
We're adding something to the sales contest
First prize is a Cadillac El Dorado
Wanna see second prize?
Second prize is a set of steak knives
Third prize is you're fired
What's your name? What's your name?
Fuck you, that's my name (8x)
(CHORUS 2x)
Burn Your House Down
you were my everything
yeah the love of my life
but when you left me for him
girl it cut like a knife
Yeah like a prison shank
shoved right in my side
Just one thing I can do
to make this pain subside
Don't worry, you won't miss it
Yeah, you'll have a front row seat
Look out your bedroom window
I'm standing in your street
Got a hand full of matches
and a can of gasoline
gonna build the biggest fire
this world's ever seen
(CHORUS)
gonna burn your house down
to the motherfuckin ground
you left me all alone
and you took your love to town
runnin' round with other guys
leave me lookin like a clown
gonna burn your motherfuckin house down
I'm not David Byrne
This is not a metaphor
Burnin' down the house
Like I told you before
You made a bad decision
shoulda thought things through
now they'll need dental records
to identify you
(CHORUS 2X)
Death Skull Napalm Sword
Born of hell
The demon's tail
Death skull napalm sword
Cuts through bone
The witch's moan
Death skull napalm sword
Flaming revenge
You can't defend
Death skull napalm sword
Skeletal remains
Will eat your brains
Death skull napalm sword
Death skull napalm sword
The dragon’s tooth
Will be the proof
Death skull napalm sword
Taste the blade
That Satan made
Death skull napalm sword
Raining blood
A crimson flood
Death skull napalm sword
Flaming death
Your final breathe
Death skull napalm sword
Death skull napalm sword
Death skull napalm sword
Death skull napalm sword
DUI
Baby I’m sorry to call so late
After I no showed for our big date
But I got a good excuse
I’m sure you’ll agree
The state patrol took me into custody
I didn’t really think I was quite that drunk
But the policeman didn’t agree
Now I’m sitting in
the county jailhouse
And I’m facing DUI number three
DUI was on my way to see you
When I got pulled over in my car
DUI had just a few too many
And now I’m sitting behind bars
They had me out of my car and walking a line
They said I stumbled, I thought I did fine
Gave the breathalyzer a couple of puffs
Next thing you know I'm in hand cuffs
Baby you know that you're my best girl
For you I'd do anything in the world
Now I know you're probably mad as hell
But could you come down here and pay my bail?
DUI was on my way to see you
When I got pulled over in my car
DUI had just a few too many
And now I’m sitting...
DUI remember blue lights flashing
And I just didn’t know what to do
DUI had to say the alphabet backwards
And when I blew in that machine, it said point two!
Gonna Kill Myself Because of You
Baby, I can't believe you left me all alone
You really broke my heart
You left me with no choice
There's only one thing left I can do
There's only one thing left I can do
I’m gonna kill myself because of you
I’m gonna kill myself because of you
I'm killing myself because you broke my heart
The rest of my life is actually really great
I’m gonna kill myself because of you
I’m gonna kill myself because of you
I could shoot myself in the face (Whoa-oh!)
Or slit my wrists in the tub (Whoa-oh!)
Or stick my head in an oven (Whoa-oh!)
That’s how I’ll kill myself because of you (Yeah!)
I’m gonna kill myself because of you
I’m gonna kill myself because of you
I’ll say it again, make sure you understand
I’m doing this for us so maybe now you’ll love me
I’m gonna kill myself because of you
I’m gonna kill myself because of you
I could drive my car off a cliff (Whoa-oh!)
Take a whole bottle of pills (Whoa-oh!)
Maybe jump off the top of spaghetti junction (Whoa-oh!)
That’s how I’ll kill myself because of you (Yeah!)
Suicide, Baby
Killin' myself to earn your love
Put a bullet in my fuckin' head
I’m gonna kill myself because of you
I’m gonna kill myself because of you
I'm killing myself because you broke my heart
The rest of my life is pretty fuckin' great
I’m gonna kill myself because of you
I’m gonna kill myself because of you
and your fuckin' bullshit
Gonna Throw a Party When You Die
Everyone’s telling me
That you’re a really nice guy
I don’t give a shit
And I wish that you would die
I hate your stupid face
And the stupid things you say
Hate everything about you
And I wish you’d go away
You’re a son of a bitch
No redeeming qualities
I really hope you get
An incurable disease
I hate the way you dress
And your cocky attitude
I should pay the guy at Taco Bell
To poison your food
And when I get the news
That your life is over
I’m gonna buy 10 kegs
Invite all my friends over
We’ll laugh and drink
And have a lot of fun
All because your time on earth
Is finally done
(CHORUS)
I’m gonna throw a party when you die
Gonna get really drunk
And raise my glass high
Laughing out loud
While I toast your demise
I’m gonna throw a party
When you die
You came out of nowhere
And you ruined my life
I’m gonna throw a party
When you die
Maybe a radio
will fall in your tub
While you’re taking a bath
Rub a dub dub
Maybe run over
On the interstate
Killed on impact
Wouldn’t that be great?
I've got just one wish
For when your life ends
Come back as a zombie
I will kill you again
(CHORUS)
You came out of nowhere
And you ruined my life
I’m gonna throw a party
When you die
(CHORUS)
Yeah, you make Hitler
Seem like a nice guy
I’m gonna throw a party
When you die
Gonna Throw a Party!
Gonna Throw a Party!
Gonna Throw a Party!
Gonna Throw a Party!
The best news I could get
Would be the end of your life
Cause I'm gonna throw a party
when you die
Tackle box
Rod and reel
Trolling motor
Cooler of beer
Bass fishin'
(Repeat 4x)
Bill Dance
Bill Dance
Bill Dance, motherfucker
Bill Dance Beetle spin
Rattle trap
Crank bait
We're going
Bass fishin'
Lightning Bolt
Lightning!
Lightning!
Lightning!
Lightning Bolt!
I was fighting an ogre king in the woods
It was just my friend Chuck but his costume sure looked good
Live action role playing, that’s how I get down
Let all the newbies know, I cast the best spells in town
(Chorus)
Lightning bolt! Lightning bolt!
Summon the fury of the sky
Lightning bolt, baby! Lightning bolt!
You can keep your 20-sided die
Cause when it comes to Magic and D & D
You know that they’re just no fun to me
I need the thrill of LARP
Lightning bolt!
Tell the Orc commander I’m coming for him next
I’m going to hit him with my powerful wizard’s hex
I got no time for books and cards when I roll play
Cause I take the matter way beyond cosplay
(Chorus)
There’s no World of Warcraft on my PC
‘Cause an Elven sword is all I need
To leave your character lying in the dirt
Ductal Carcinoma
Lobular Carcinoma
Fuck breast cancer, come on
Over the course of their life
One in eight women will find out
They’ve got breast cancer
You know what Attractive Eighties Women says?
Fuck that
Fuck
Fuck
Fuck
Fuck breast cancer, come on
Fuck
Fuck
Fuck
Fuck breast cancer, come on
Ductal Carcinoma
Lobular Carcinoma
Fuck breast cancer, come on
80% of breast cancer deaths occur in women over 50.
We need to find a cure to breast cancer.
But first, guitar solo!
Fuck
Fuck
Fuck
Fuck all cancer, come on
Fuck
Fuck
Fuck
Fuck all cancer, come on
Fuck skin Cancer
Fuck prostate Cancer
Fuck colon cancer
Fuck lung cancer, come on
Don’t forget about leukemia
That’s cancer of the blood, y’all
Brain tumors? Throat cancer?
You can pretty much get cancer anywhere in your body
Fuck cancer
Mama’s On Meth
I ain’t been to school in close to three weeks
No food in the fridge, dirty dishes in the sink
Social worker says we’ll end up in a foster home
Grandma can’t call, they disconnected our phone
I’m the only one here taking care of little sis
But since mama’s been tweaking, it’s been absolute bliss
(CHORUS)
My mama’s on meth
I ain’t gotta go to school
Yeah, mama’s on meth
And I think it’s so cool
Mama’s on meth
Crystal methamphetamine
Gonna be on the cover of the DFCS magazine!
For the past six months I ain’t had to do no chores
Just drive around with mama to the local drugs stores
Get all the Sudafed we can fit in the car
Between Wal-Mart and Eckerd, we ain't gotta drive far
Then it’s back to the trailer.
Cook it up all night!
Yeah mama’s on meth, but I’m doing all right.
(CHORUS)
Social worker says the state’s taking us away
Don’t like that our house is in constant disarray
Daddy left us for a waitress at the truck stop
Last time I saw him was on an episode of COPS
Mama’s bringing over new people every night
Tweekers to the left, tweekers to the right
(CHORUS)
Master Cylinder
When I wanna get drunk, get my vision blurry
No time for tiny beers, cause I’m in a hurry
I need the biggest can you got behind the bar
I need a master cylinder of PBR
The beer that placed first in 1893
By God, that makes it good enough for me
They serve it in bottles and three kinds of cans
But there’s only one size you’ll hear me demand
(CHORUS)
Master cylinder
Master cylinder
Master cylinder
Don’t want no pretender
Need a master cylinder
24 ounces is not a lot of beer
For a man like me who doesn’t know fear
I shotgun it down in one big swallow
For you amateur drinkers that’s a hard act to follow
I like drinking liquor; it suits me just fine
I got no problem with a nice glass of wine
But there’s only one thing that'll quench my thirst
The beer I mentioned in the very first verse
(CHORUS)
Pabst Blue Ribbon is my favorite kind of brew
Whenever I drink I have more than a few
In a silver can, red and blue logo
It’s the beer that taught me to drink like a pro
One day I’m gonna take the brewery tour
And see how they make this beer that I adore
When I get there I’m gonna run down the hall
Find the master cylinders and drink them all
(CHORUS)
Murder Kroger
down on ponce where the call girls roam
and the homeless trannies won't leave you alone
just a block or so past the Clermont lounge
sits the deadliest grocery store in town
it’s a good place to go if you wanna buy crack
but if you go there for groceries you may never come back
It’s a grocery store with a deadly twist
You’ll get shot in the head for your shopping list
Murder Kroger
it’s the worst place to shop in all of Atlanta
you could lose your life over twelve pack of Fanta
When you leave your car don’t forget your mace
unless you wanna be stabbed in the face
by an angry bum with a switchblade knife
I hope those hot pockets were worth your life
(CHROUS)
The odds are good you won’t come back alive
and your friends will all hear about it on Fox 5
Murder Kroger
Ever since the zoo made their new addition, I’ve been planning a secret mission
Yang Yang and Lun Lun had a little baby girl and there’s people tuning in from all over the world
To watch the baby panda on the webcam show, but that little cub’s just a dirty pinko
Communism represents a threat to our nation, send Mei Lan on a permanent vacation
(CHORUS)
Gotta kill
Gotta kill the baby panda
Gotta kill
Gotta kill the baby panda
Gotta kill
Gotta kill the baby panda
Gotta kill
Gotta kill
the communist panda
Without the HUAC or McCarthy around, who’s gonna take these communists down?
Looks like I’m the only man up to the task, it won’t be long till Mei Lan’s in a casket
Going on a patriotic killing spree to put an endto her socialist creed
From each according to his ability
To each according to his need
(CHORUS)
What’s black and white and red all over? The panda enclosure by the time this is over
Gonna bleed that little bear till it’s dead dead dead. Did you know that pandas bleed communist red?
I’ve got a knife, gonna stab it to death and watch the baby panda take its final breath
So long Mei Lan, it’s sure been swell
Say hello to Mao when you see him in hell!
(CHORUS 2X)
Panic Attack
I can’t breathe
I can’t think
My stomach churns
And I need a drink
My brain hurts
My eyes ache
Chest feels tight
Think I’m gonna break
Panic attack!
Panic attack!
I think I’m having a
Panic attack!
I can’t sleep
I just shake
I’m going crazy
While I lay awake
My heart pounds
Then I cry
I really think that
I’m going to die
Panic attack!
Panic attack!
I think I’m having a
Panic attack!
She set me out to sea
on a red sky morning
She called me a scurvy dog
It came without a warning
She said she’s through with me
And my drinking and my lies
So I said “fuck you bitch,
I hope you fucking die”
(CHORUS)
She made my heart walk the plank
Arrrr Arrrr Arrrr Arrrr
She made my heart walk the plank
Arrrr Arrrr Arrrr Arrrr
That wench left me alone,
It’s time to drink some ale
I’m headed to the pub
To raise a little hell
I think I’ll start a fight
Or make out with some whore
Then down a few more beers
'Til I pass out on the floor
(CHORUS)
At first I was a little sad
That you’d gone away
But the beer helps me forget
That I cared anyway
Now I’ve got 12 mugs down
And another 12 to go
All me hardies shout together
YO HO HO!
(CHORUS)
Women are all crazy
And I'm tired of their shit
Just because I'm always drunk
They go and throw a fit
This song is dedicated to all
The women I’ve pissed off
I’m gonna keep on drinking
You can all fuck off
(CHORUS 2X)
I used to know this girl
I met her in a village
On the coast of an island
We were about to pillage
Thought we were so happy
Can't believe what happened
She abandoned my ship
To sail with another captain
I thought she was the one
But she was just a skank
That's the last time I let a bitch
Make my heart walk the plank
Sock Man
You need some socks
What do you do?
The sock man will take care of you
Someone stole your socks
Your feet are bare
Buy new socks! Buy 30 pairs!
30 pairs of socks
Only 10 bucks
30 pairs of socks
Only 10 bucks
30 pairs of socks
Only 10 bucks
30 pairs of socks
Only 10 bucks
(Repeat)
Surfing or AIDS (I'll Take Surfing)
Summer time's here
and it's time to have some fun
Load my board in my woodie
gonna show 'em how it's done
But the beach is closed down
There's been a toxic spill
of medical waste
No, This is not a drill
Syringes and needles
are floating in the seas
I wanna go surfing
Not catch a disease
I grab a haz-mat suit
Gonna give it a whirl
next thing you know
I'm shooting the curl
(CHORUS)
Surfing or AIDS?
I'll take surfing!
Surfing or AIDS?
I'll take surfing!
Surfing or AIDS?
I'll take surfing!
Surfing or AIDS?
I'll take surfing!
Now I'm hanging ten
riding on a killer wave
feelin' like a big kahuna
headed to an early grave
On Biohazard Bay
no one as brave as me
Hope I don't end up
like my man Eazy-E
I'm having fun in the sun
Yeah, I'm having a blast
As strips of bloody gauze
go floating past
I scream cowabunga!
And wipe out in the sea
If they can cure Magic Johnson
then why not me?
(CHORUS 2X)
The Ancient Cry of the Tyrannosaur
Flying through space
Unseen and unheard
An asteroid six miles wide
Hurtling towards earth
At a deadly pace
Destruction when it collides
Dinosaurs grazing
Or hunting their prey
The blast would catch them by surprise
Taste flaming death
Or frozen starvation
Hear the Tyrannosaur’s cry!
(CHORUS)
Death from above
Reign down like fire
Death from above
Tribute required
Death from above
Life on the brink
In just a few years
They’ll all be extinct
Stalking charred landscape
Searching for food
She’s desperate to survive
Triceratops herd
Weak from the famine
They’ll be her supper tonight
Chase down the slowest
Cut off from his herd
It’s over in just one bite
The crunch of bone snapping
Blood on the plains
Hear the Tyrannosaur’s cry
(BRIDGE)
Run run, Triceratops
Run run, Triceratops
T-Rex on your tail
She's gonna eat you up
Run run, Triceratops
Run run, Triceratops
T-Rex on your tail
She's gonna make you her lunch
(CHORUS 2X) They Shoot Hipsters, Don’t They?
I buy all my clothes at a “vintage boutique”
All of my t-shirts are older than me
My pants are too tight but I think they look great
I found them in a box labeled 1988
(CHORUS)
That's how you know I'm just a
Hipster douchebag
Baby, you know I'm just a
Hipster douchebag
You’re probably wondering what’s on my upper lip
It’s an ironic mustache, aren’t I just the shit?
I blog the most obscure mp3s in the land
Even Pitchfork’s never heard of my favorite band
(CHORUS)
Blockin’ all the traffic while I’m riding on my bike
Just me and my posse, Faster Mustache for life
Decatur Social Club is where I get my kicks
I hope Preston plays that newDFA remix
(CHORUS)
Titty City
There’s a little club I know. Let’s go there tonight
Just stop at the ATM up here on the right
We’re gonna need a whole lotta dough, we’re gonna need some cash
To tip all the single mothers on stage shaking their ass
It's the kinda place where we all love to go
(CHORUS)
Wanna go
Wanna go
Wanna go
To Titty City
Titty City
Titty City
Wanna go
Wanna go
Wanna go
To Titty City
Titty City
Titty City
There’s a little bar I know. It’s just up the street
Man the dancers there have got titties that can’t be beat
Sitting down front I get as excited as can be
Whenever the DJ plays ‘Pour Some Sugar On Me’
Cause that’s the stripper anthem, y’all.
(CHORUS)
Titties!
Titties!
Titties!
Titties!
(CHORUS)
¡Viva Tequila!
We were on a little trip
south of the border
when my friend spoke up
said some shots are in order
We ordered 4 jagers
and the barkeep just smiled
Said "Gringo, we ain't
sold any jager in a while"
"There's another kind of spirit
that we like to pour,
and I'm willing to bet
you'll like it even more"
We each took a shot
and were instantly enamored
By the end of the night
we were all fuckin' hammered
(CHORUS)
viva tequila
con sal y limón
es el licor más fino
Me encanta beberlo
licor del diablo
es mi favorito
En tequila hay verdad
Me encanta beberlo
Our night got kinda crazy
and I musta passed out
But my hangover left
me without a doubt
I'd done some heavy drinking
my memory was banished
But in an crazy plot twist
I woke up speaking Spanish
bebo en la mañana
y bebo en la noche
bebo demasiado
para conducir un coche
Hablo español
solomente un poquito
apenas suficiente
para pedir un taquito
(CHORUS 2X)
Yeah Yeah Jager
By the end of tonight I’ll be blackout drunk
Need a few shots To get me outta this funk
Jagermeister is what I want to drink
Throwing back shots Until I can’t even think
Yeah Yeah Jager
Yeah Yeah Jager
Served ice cold, it’s a tasty treat
Like a licorice whip to knock you off your feet
If I don’t throw up the night’s not a success
Drinking’s only fun when it’s too excess
Yeah Yeah Jager
Yeah Yeah Jager
No, I won’t take a jager bomb with you
I think that’s the dumbest thing you could do
Let’s get some ice cold shots in our hand
Drink ‘em all down and do it again!
